Singledom

Sweet baby angels! 

So, I've been back in LA for a couple of weeks now and it's awesome. Still job/house hunting but that will all come in time.

I wanted to talk about being alone. I think that being single has notoriously had only one of two philosophies behind it. Either you're looking for a new partner desperately and just pulling a hard Season 2 Charolette or you're just trolling for sex. Today doing both have gotten way easier with apps like Tinder and the lesser Bumble, etc. 

But those aren't your only two options as a single human. Just that word itself is so powerful. Single. Solitary. Stand-alone. Like, do y'all realize how fucking cool that is to be doing everything for yourself. Having your feelings, and responsibilities based solely on you? That's so chill. Because blaming shit on other people is such a garbage fucking move. Playing the victim is everybody's biggest pet peeve, so stop doing it. No one likes a fucking martyr.

I was in control of my actions no matter how unhappy I was in my past relationship. I was choosing to stay in in - for whatever reason - but I was. That was my decision. 

I spent so much of my time trying to make sure that HE was happy, HE was okay, HE wasn't upset with me, HE didn't have to worry about anything. That was a waste of energy for me but I was sticking in it - you know? So I can't be mad at that. That's what I was dedicating myself to at that moment. 

But now being alone, single, by myself, on my own - whatever you choose to call it - I get to only worry about if I'M happy, if I'M proud of myself, if I'M doing the best shit that I can do with my life. 

Of course, don't hurt people, and don't be too big of a dick, but you just have to worry about yourself. You're not going to wake up in the morning with that sinking, painful feeling in your stomach of your boyfriend, or girlfriend being pissed at you or you being pissed at them. You just get to live in your own life for yourself. 

I know that this all sounds redundant, but it's just such a liberating feeling that i feel it should be repeated, ja feel?

And being the archetypes of singledom sometimes is chill, too. Troll for dick, ask to be set up, live your life and volunteer at an animal shelter.

Thanks for reading, fam. It'd be chill if this helped you at all.

 

Okay, baaiiii

La La LAnd

Still haven't seen that movie, but it sounded like a cute title.

I'm back home!! I'm in LA, but I can't say that I'm crushing it quite yet. I'm looking for Production Assistant work to no avail, as well as bartending stuff to do on the side. My mom is about to move and I don't really have a place to live either. So it has been rough but I feel weirdly calm about the whole thing.

Maybe it's because I'm home, or maybe it's because I know that it will work out (because it fucking has to) but there is an odd sense of "okayness". Moments of anxiety hit me like crazy, for sure, I'm human, so it happens, but I'm kind of just really excited.

My 23rd birthday was a few days ago and it is the first birthday that has actually made me FEEL something. I feel different - like life is really just about to start. I'm happy with who I am, I'm not relying on anyone but myself, and I'm really starting to see who people are. 

Turning the page to this egregiously forgettable number has shown me that getting older allows the people in your life who shouldn't be/don't want to be in it won't be fucking in it. That if they can't take a second of their day to say "happy birthday" after they have done it for 14 years maybe they just don't fucking care anymore. And that is totally chill. They'll live their life and I'll live mine.

It's kind of a cool, weird, uncertain, but warm feeling of "okayness" that I wanted to share with y'all. 

I hope that all of you sweet little babies are feeling this, too.

 

Okay, baaaiii!! 

Mems

Some memories are super great. Like, I'll remember the first time that we went to our favorite bar, or our first date and boy, oh boy does that make me nostalgic. You almost get swept up in this sweet, wave of "they've never done anything wrong", or "they only got mad because they loved me so much". It's so easy to feel that way when you've been away for a while and miss someone taking you on a real date. But pay really close attention to those texts from your friends that say "think of the shitty times too, all the arguments, all of the names". They mean that. They were there for it and so were you.

You were there for it and so was I. Today I started to get nostalgic but that window keeps growing narrower and narrower as I find myself remembering how he used to tell me how everything was my fault, and that all of the things that I didn't deserve.

What really hit me today was when he called me "just a waitress". We were in a fight (shocker) and I told him that I understood what it was like to work long hours and be tired after work. He didn't think so. See, at the time I was interning and serving/bartending so I for sure DID know that hours sucked and work can blow, but because I didn't work HIS hours ("normal work hours") my time was not as important and he should have been my #1 priority. He didn't understand that I didn't want to go all the way out to fucking Arlington when I lived in DC. He said that I wasn't putting him first and that since I was "just a waitress" I should be making the effort to come see him instead of the other way around. 

Put aside the fact this garbage baby has never had a service industry job in his whole life, and listen to me...

NEVER LET SOMEONE MAKE YOU FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT WHAT YOU DO!!!

I don't care if you're a bartender, a hostess, a car salesperson, a pirate, a philosopher, a sex worker, or a CEO - only you have the power of how you feel and what you think of yourself. If you don't like it, you're allowed to feel like shit about it. If you love fucking waiting tables - have pride in that!

You are a bad motherfucker and do not let ANYONE tell you otherwise. 

Phew.

 

Okay, baaaiii!!!