Becoming a Human

So, yesterday my mom left California. She moved home to Texas to be where she has always wanted to be. I am so fucking happy for her. So genuinely and truly happy. And I don't know if that's why I haven't been as sad as I thought I would be, or if I just haven't really fully processed it.

My mom is actually my best friend - it is going to be really hard not to have her around, but at least I'll get to go to Texas more often, and see her being as happy as she deserves to be. 

That's all I really can know right now. Mom is gonna fuuucking crush it, so at least I'll be fine knowing that she is. 

Also - I MOVED INTO MY FUCKING APARTMENT!!

It's cute as hell. I live in Melrose and have started teaching pilates again. 

I'm proud of myself and excited for life! Aaaannnddd my best friend comes home in like less than a week, so I can't fucking wait for life. I feel like a grownup.

 

Okay, baaaiiii!!!

Fucking Facebook

Exactly a year ago I posted a picture with him and it popped up today. Doesn't it have some facial recognition thing to know that he has me blocked and that it's hard and weird to see him?

I texted him yesterday - It was an anniversary of something and it just felt right to do it. I didn't hear back from him, but I like to think that he saw it and at least knew that I was there for him, you know? It's rough when you really want to talk to someone but you know that you can't (or shouldn't) because it might not REALLY help either of you. 

But yesterday just made me remember that day a year ago and what a mad dash it was to do everything. A year ago I felt more connected with him than I think I ever did from then on. Sometimes I think about those couple of months after and all of the shit that happened and it is starting to make more sense that maybe we were in each other's lives for very specific reasons and once those reasons were completed thats when things got really bad because we were trying so desperately to hold on because of how much we loved each other. 

For him - I was support. Someone to vent to, yell at, cry with. And while this set an unwelcome precedent for later it was what he needed then and I was happy that I could do that for him. I did everything I could, and I do think it helped.

For me - At the time I couldn't see the unhealthy relationship that had formed with someone who I considered family. A best friend of 14 years decided that she didn't want to be in my life and I would not let myself see it. And as much as it hurts then and still hurts he was the reason that that she finally broke away, and I could start to see the people that truly did love me, and want to stick around. 

I guess I just want y'all to know that even though you break up with someone, no matter how bad - it never hurts to let them know that you're then when you think that they might really need them. And if "he" is reading this - I hope you know that I still am and always will be every August 29th, and all the days in between. 

Okay, baaaaiiii. 

Singledom

Sweet baby angels! 

So, I've been back in LA for a couple of weeks now and it's awesome. Still job/house hunting but that will all come in time.

I wanted to talk about being alone. I think that being single has notoriously had only one of two philosophies behind it. Either you're looking for a new partner desperately and just pulling a hard Season 2 Charolette or you're just trolling for sex. Today doing both have gotten way easier with apps like Tinder and the lesser Bumble, etc. 

But those aren't your only two options as a single human. Just that word itself is so powerful. Single. Solitary. Stand-alone. Like, do y'all realize how fucking cool that is to be doing everything for yourself. Having your feelings, and responsibilities based solely on you? That's so chill. Because blaming shit on other people is such a garbage fucking move. Playing the victim is everybody's biggest pet peeve, so stop doing it. No one likes a fucking martyr.

I was in control of my actions no matter how unhappy I was in my past relationship. I was choosing to stay in in - for whatever reason - but I was. That was my decision. 

I spent so much of my time trying to make sure that HE was happy, HE was okay, HE wasn't upset with me, HE didn't have to worry about anything. That was a waste of energy for me but I was sticking in it - you know? So I can't be mad at that. That's what I was dedicating myself to at that moment. 

But now being alone, single, by myself, on my own - whatever you choose to call it - I get to only worry about if I'M happy, if I'M proud of myself, if I'M doing the best shit that I can do with my life. 

Of course, don't hurt people, and don't be too big of a dick, but you just have to worry about yourself. You're not going to wake up in the morning with that sinking, painful feeling in your stomach of your boyfriend, or girlfriend being pissed at you or you being pissed at them. You just get to live in your own life for yourself. 

I know that this all sounds redundant, but it's just such a liberating feeling that i feel it should be repeated, ja feel?

And being the archetypes of singledom sometimes is chill, too. Troll for dick, ask to be set up, live your life and volunteer at an animal shelter.

Thanks for reading, fam. It'd be chill if this helped you at all.

 

Okay, baaiiii