Happy Father's Day

Dear Dad, 

I wish I could be writing you this letter on paper and handing it to you like I used to so many years ago. You know that I have had five Father's Day's without you? It's not like that's the only day that you can tell your dad that you love him, because I tell you every day. But it certainly does make you think about them a little more.

You really are on my mind every single day. Be it just a passing memory, or a song, or Nick Hartcourt's voice on the radio you are always on my mind and in my heart. 

I remember that you used to be taken aback when you would pick up the phone to call your Dad and remember that he wasn't around, but it was just this instinctual thing. I remember you wanted to call him once to ask which pizza you used to like growing up and you were just so surprised that you thought you could call him. I thought that that must have been so strange. Well, it is. I find myself picking up the phone to call you as I pass by a building I think you'd like or to ask you for advice (I've really needed your advice lately). 

Today is a day that I would have called you. Right here from across the country - which I'm sure you would have hated and tried to get me to not do. 

I would sit here and tell you about my breakup that I desperately needed you for, and ask how you were and what you had been up to... I think. But to be honest I don't really know what a call to you across the country would have been like. I never did that. You and I had never been apart for more than a couple of days, so calls were usually just to check in and see when I was coming home. 

I'm writing you this hoping that you'll read it.

Hoping that you will know that I think about you every single day of my little life.

Hoping that you will know that I'm certain you would have been driving for uber and loving it. 

Hoping that you will be happy to hear that I'm making a life for myself and finding a job.

Hoping that you will know that I want you to be hanging out with your parents up wherever you are. 

Hoping that you saw I met a dog named James Cagney and told the family all about you.

Hoping that you will see me turning into a person that I think you would be proud of. 

Hoping that you know that my goal in life is to be as funny and gregarious and memorable as you were. 

Hoping that you turn the cheek when I'm doing shit you wouldn't be proud of.

Hoping that you know that I have taken every single piece of advice you have given me to heart. Whether it was yelled at me or told to me in passing.

Hoping that you are just so happy.

Hoping that you're in a Broadway play doing what you have loved to do since long before I was ever around to make you a dad. (I know Eddie was first, but I looked like you, so I mean...)

Hoping that you know that I am so proud when I hear "you look exactly like your father"

Hoping that you know that I love you, and no death could ever make me stop loving my Daddy. 

You will always be my best friend, but more importantly you will always be my Poppop.

Thank you for somehow still finding a way to make me feel safe every single day, because whether you're here or not - I couldn't do it without you.

 

Happy Father's Day to those who are here, but especially to those who are gone.

I love you, Poppop.

 

Okay, baaaiii. 

P.S. I graduated college, and I'm totally crushing it.