Let's just talk for one fucking second here.
I'm gonna for sure go out on a limb and say that friend breakups are exponentially worse than significant other breakups.
Your friends are supposed to be there no matter what. Just like you're there for them no matter what. But when one of them just up and walks away - fuck. You're left feeling like you're not a good person, like you did something really wrong or hurtful. The worst is when you really can't put your finger on what you did. With someone you're dating you can just say "they're a fucking idiot" and move on, or know that they're not the one, yada yada yada. But, friends? It's like "oh, this person I've spent 13 years with has decided I am not someone she wants to be around".
My friend breakup happened like a year ago and I've reached out a few times, but the last time I did was finally asking her if we could talk about it. The response I got back was really not what I was expecting but she's dealing with the hurt, too, so maybe she doesn't want this, or know what she wants? To be fair, I could be reading a lot into it... who knows, all I know is that I want to move past this stupid fucking year and let it all go.
Oh, if you didn't put together the year time-lines - what a surprise my shitty ex has something to do with this. That's (I think) the whole reason she stopped being friends with me.
If she had told me this I would have said "FUUUUUCK that guy" and none of this abusive hurtful shit would have happened.
Alas, I know that I can't worry about this talk, or what she's thinking, or if we'll be friends again until it actually happens (my therapist says I have to put all of my anxiety into "worry time" which I think sounds elementary but is actually super useful).
So I'll let you know how that all goes when it happens.