Hi, little caterpillars.
I wanted to get one thing straight. I know I have so many followers and avid readers of this blog (hold for laughter) and it's just important that I make something clear. My past relationship was not a struggle of physical abuse. I could not now, nor could I ever imagine this guy I was with hitting somebody and especially not me.
Our struggle was with emotional and verbal abuse. I'm not at all saying that this is SO much better, or downplaying the severity of these other forms, but the last thing I want is having someone thinking that this guy hit me when he didn't. So I am really sorry if there was any confusion there.
I was for sure emotionally and verbally abused, and I'll tell you what - it fucking SUUUCKKKS so if you are in that position, please get out. I know it's the hardest thing in the world. Believe me. I had no idea what to do. When you're so in love with somebody this cycle happens...
- Tensions are building out of no where. You fear talking about things, or bringing up events that you know are triggers.
- Then the tension breaks and the abuse (in my case usually verbal, but also emotional) occurs. This could be yelling, name-calling, blaming, victim-shifting, etc.
- After this flurry comes the reconciliation where everything is "I'm sorry"'s and "I'll never do it again"'s, or the much more scary denying of abuse.
- Finally there's the calm. Where everything is happy and you have forgiven, forgotten, and you know that this time it's going to be different.
It doesn't matter how many times your friends tell you to get out, or your mom starts to see a pattern, or even you finally start to recognize what's happening - it seems fucking impossible to leave. But it's not.
I want you all to know that you will be okay, and you WILL get out.
I was lucky. I didn't get hit. I do not want you, you sweet baby angel, in a trash situation no matter what.
My guy was a good human. If my past posts don't depict that then I truly apologize for incorrectly portrayal him. He made mistakes, and the consequence of those was losing me.
He wasn't the boyfriend for me, and I think he needs some time to clear everything up. This is NOT saying that what he did was okay, but I am saying that I think he will be as long as he puts in the work for himself, like he should, and like he deserves to.
Abuse of any kind sucks. I didn't get hit, the abuses are different, but be careful always.